November 2011, Dear Sofi

Dear Sofi

Mon, Oct 31, 2011

Dear Sofi - I have a fiancée who is extremely good looking, he works out and looks great. He treats me very well and we love each other very much. He has never given me any reason to doubt him, but I feel insecure nonetheless. I am not as beautiful as his former girl friends nor do I have a perfect body like he does. Deep down inside I sometimes think that he could someday leave me for a more attractive woman. What do I do? Plane Jane 

Dear PJ – This is YOUR problem—fix it before you see your worst nightmare comes true – that your fiancée hits the road and finds a confident woman who believes in herself and lives happily ever after! You are sabotaging everything by indulging in your insecurityinduced, destructive cycle of fear. Eventually men get very tired of this and move on.

Dear Sofi -My husband and the father of my three children has repeatedly failed in his promise to stop his heavy drinking. As a consequence of his drinking he is unable to hold onto a job for any length of time and we are always struggling to make ends meet. I have given him chance after chance, but he always starts to drink with his no good friends and we are back at square one. He says that if I leave him I will make things worse because the children will suffer and that he would never be able to straighten himself without my support. How many more chances am I supposed to give him? Married to Drunk 

Dear MTD – My heart aches for you, but, wait a second!! Are you telling me that he’s a worthless, incoherent drunk who can neither provide for his family nor be a father to his three young children? And are you asking me how much longer you should continue to tolerate this? Forget the fact that he is trying to control you by saying that he won’t be able to straighten himself out without you. You’ve been with him how long? Has he straightened himself out so far? He’s a grown man, he can change if he wants to or not. Your concern needs to be for your children, grab the kids now and get out before they suffer any further and learn to believe that this is a choice they can make to face life – continually drunk, jobless, and irresponsible!

Dear Sofi - My son had always been a wonderful boy who always obeyed me without major problems. Since starting middle school, I am having trouble with him. He doesn’t obey me when I tell him to be home at a certain time, he does not pay attention to his homework the way he used to, and he argues with me constantly. His father left us years ago and is not in the picture. I don’t know what to do and I fear that as he gets older the problems will become worse. Desperate Mother 

Dear DM - It is very tough raising a boy without a father; unfortunately many women are left to do this job alone. But don’t despair, there are many things you can do. Start him in Boy Scouts, sign him up for football, basketball, or any kind of afterschool sports to get him around good guys—and they ARE out there. If he likes music, get him involved. If there is a music program at his school—go for it. Get a role model in his life. Does he have uncles, do you have a brother, and are there men with good values in your family that he can spend time with him fishing, hiking, playing ball, doing repairs, hanging out? Check out a church youth group.

What kinds of friends is he hanging with now? He needs good male role models. The experiences and interactions that take place in his life now will influence him for the rest of his life. As a good, nurturing mother, you are supplying him with a lot of his needs, but it is difficult for you to be the mentor that he will need to become a respectful—and respectable, man. To learn how to be a good man, he needs to emulate a good man. 

Sofia is not a psychiatrist, but she has, as the meaning of her name indicates, wisdom and good sense. If you would like to get her advice, write to Dear Sofi at 532 E. Route 66 Glendora, CA 91740 or email us! Your submission gives us permission to edit and publish.